Have you ever had one of those times in your life when everything is good? No big worries, lots of big issues of concern ending, and much to look forward to. That was how my husband Charley and I felt in that late summer of 2002, ready to put aside all the many years of raising children, and eager to enjoy each other as a couple again. We were not going to retire quite yet, but we were excited to begin some traveling together again when we had the time. We had a whole week ahead of us off from work and were ready to hop on a tour bus and head for Mexico! We had traveled in Mexico extensively but going by tour bus would be a new avenue for us to try.
The tour bus was leaving from McAllen, Texas and since we had lived there for three years when we first married, we wanted to drive down a day early and take in the new sights of McAllen as well as the older ones we had not seen in several years. Rolling into McAllen after so many years I was instantly comforted by the familiar landscape. Rows of palm trees down the main streets, the bright sun setting, still hot in the background with its oranges and reds looking like spilling paint on paper. It brought my mind back to the time in my early twenties when I lived and taught school there. The town was the same—the old downtown area with the Hispanic phrases on the buildings and resacas of water in between the wide streets, laced with parks and plenty of places to sit and pass the day. There was a hotel there that I had always wanted to stay in, so tonight we were going to stay there and take off for Mexico early the next day.
During the evening we enjoyed looking around at all the places we remembered and eating some great Mexican food. Our mood was festive as we went to bed pretty early, we had to get an early start the next morning. In the middle of the night we were awakened by a consistent ringing, we finally realized it was the phone. And knowing that good news hardly ever comes during the middle of the night, I braced myself for what was to come. Calling was our daughter Vanessa’s new husband, Jonathan, whom we didn’t know very well because Vanessa had been married to him for less than four months. I heard Charley, my husband keep repeating, “Is she gone? Is she gone?” Of course, I deducted from the conversation that there had been a car accident and our darling 28 year old daughter was dead. This couldn’t be! I had just spoken to her that day and the last thing she said to me was, “I love you, Mama.” Now she was going to never speak again.
Of course, time was of the essence because we wanted to be able to contact and be with our family before they could find out about her death some other way. We needed to get home to contact our other two daughters so we quickly packed our bags and headed out to drive back to Corpus Christi. In retrospect, we should have called someone to come get us and take us home, but we didn’t want anyone else to have to get up in the middle of the night. The ride back to Corpus Christi was agony, we had to pull to the side of the road many times because we were grieving so much. How completely opposite this drive was from a few hours earlier when we had arrived in McAllen. Things really can change in an instant of time.
Vanessa had called a few days before our trip and wanted to come home for a visit that weekend, but we had told her we were going on a trip. We had considered cancelling our trip but hadn’t. So, now, of course we were sure that if only we would have let her come home we could have saved her from dying. This was illogical thinking but at the time it seemed so logical.
It was still dark when we got home and too early to call anyone, so we lay down with the supernatural presence of God all around us. We were actually able to sleep a few hours. It certainly was “the peace that passes understanding” from the New Testament scripture in Philippians 4:7 which says, “And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Jesus Christ.”
Early the next morning the first person we called was our son-in-law Neil. He was still in his twenties and had never experienced death before, and he had been close to Vanessa himself. Now, he had to tell his wife and our other daughter Robin that their big sister had died while they lay sleeping the night before.
We had to call Charley’s sister Gwen, to go and tell Charley’s mom that her granddaughter had died. I had to call my sister Shirley, and have her go over and tell my mother. I know it was hard for them to do this but it had to be done. Around 10:00 that morning, people begin to arrive at our house. It was like God picked the exact people to send to comfort us. Each one that came helped us in their own way. More than anything else, it helped us pass the time while we were waiting for the afternoon when we would go to Houston to spend the night before we went on to Dallas the next day. Charley’s mother called later on in the day and offered us a burial plot at Restland in Dallas that was next to Vanessa’s great grandparents and her grandfather. That seemed to be the perfect place to rest her sweet body. There were two plots given to us at this time, one for Vanessa and one for Charley and I to be buried in together whenever we died. Charley’s sister Gwen and her husband Jim made all the funeral arrangements for us, even picking out the coffin. This was such a gift to me. The coffin was a beautiful white with four angels, one attached to each corner. The angels came off and one was given to me, one to Amber, one to Robin, and one to Jonathan, Vanessa’s husband.
The next day we all drove up to Dallas to Charley’s mother’s house, the same house Charley’s grandparents had lived in before my mother-in-law Mildred lived there. When we walked in, everything looked the same, the comfortable furniture we had all sat on during holidays and happy days, the appliqued pillows and family heirlooms still making the rooms beautiful to look at, but today it was not the same. Grief and sorrow had come in to live and dwell for as long as we would let it. It surrounded us as we grieved as a family for one of our own who had died too soon. The first thing I saw was a beautiful sage colored dress that hung over the door that Vanessa was to be buried in. Her cousin, Heather, had lovingly picked it out for her. I immediately went over and touched the dress and it drew all the women in the room to want to touch it too because it would be the last garment ever to touch Vanessa’s body. We had been told by the funeral directors that the funeral would have to be a closed casket one because of the condition of Vanessa’s body, and that meant they didn’t recommend any of the family to look at the body either. This made the dress even more precious to us because we would never be able to see her in it or touch her again.
The next evening was the visitation at Restland. As we were walking up the walkway to the door I felt the presence of God with me but still didn’t know how I was going to get through the next couple of hours. Then I looked up and saw my best friend from high school and roommate from college Pat, along with another friend from high school, Jonell, standing at the door waiting for me, with such looks of compassion and love for me that I knew I was going to be able to be gracious, strong, and loving for my daughter, Vanessa during this time. Flowers were everywhere, all around the rooms and Vanessa’s coffin. They smelled like a whiff of heaven and were a delight to the eyes. The coffin was in the room and as I looked over at it, the presence of it grieved my spirit to a depth I didn’t know was possible. People, like the flowers, were everywhere, and their purpose was to love and help my family during this time. They succeeded in making us all feel their love and concern as each of them spoke of how much they had loved Vanessa. People from all walks of our lives were there: relatives, school mates, neighbors, co-workers, and even the president of the company Vanessa had worked for, each of them by their mere presence ministering to our needs.
The funeral was the next day. Our wonderful friend, co-worker from Patton Springs, and Vanessa’s basketball coach, Larry McClenney, who was also a minister, conducted her service. Another lifelong friend from college, Nancy Kirby, sang for us. I have to admit I don’t remember a lot about the service or who was there, things began to run together for me during this time. I know that the words of the service and the music ministered to me and watered my dry soul.
After the funeral, there was a short graveside service where anyone who wanted to had the chance to speak. This aspect of the service fed my starving sense of need to see the eternal as I sat and listened to so many people speak of knowing Vanessa’s great grandparents, grandparents, parents, and sisters. Death was part of the circle of life and how I thanked God that Vanessa knew Jesus Christ personally and was now in heaven with the rest of her family. However, as people all began to leave the graveside that day, I found that the mother in me did not want to leave my daughter’s body in the ground. I did not want to know that my daughter’s body had to experience darkness, cold, and even rain upon her. I wanted to lie upon that grave and stay there to protect my baby. I somewhat knew that this feeling was primal but my mother heart was broken, beyond repair. As we got into the limousine to drive back to the house, it was all I could do to keep myself from going back, to pay vigil to her body and never leave her. As we traveled down yet another road out of the cemetery, I remembered how happy I had been on my journey to McAllen just a few days before. Now, as I looked out the window, I saw a beautiful pond with swans, and then a special burial place for the babies. I was inconsolable. But because I had a husband and two other beautiful daughters I knew I had to go on with my journey. It was not going to end at a grave, just as it didn’t end at the grave for my Savior, Jesus Christ. We still could look ahead to resurrection, and I am still waiting for that time. I still don’t like visiting the cemetery site, I still feel that lingering feeling that I have left something behind that I cannot get back.
It has been many years now since Vanessa’s death and this is the first time I have been able to write of it. I wanted to be honest about my feelings even if they were not always spiritual, and they weren’t. I didn’t want anyone to get the idea that once the funeral is over, the process ends. Actually, this is where the real work begins. It took me at least two years before the physical pain of her death began to dissipate, and I could begin to heal. Our family did everything we could think of to help the process of grief. We all went to counseling, we read every book on the market about grief and went to grief groups, both secular and spiritual.
I want to convey how counseling helped me. I needed to vent to someone outside my immediate family because when we vented to each other it was helpful, but the person who had to hear me vent then grieved for me as well as themselves.
My counselor was an older man and just what I needed. One of my biggest problems at the time I began seeing him was Vanessa’s accident itself. I couldn’t get my mind off the fact that she had died alone on the side of the road. It was speculated that she had probably swerved to keep from hitting a deer, and in the process had hit a tree. She died instantly. She lived in Wimberley, Texas at the time and the road was dark with lots of hills and turns. I had been a Christian since I was nineteen, and both my husband and I had strived to serve and love others with all of our hearts. I am ashamed to say it but because of this I somehow felt I should be immune to tragedy because of my service. I know that was terrible to think, but it was true during that time. I had always noticed every little animal from a bird to a squirrel that had gotten run over and felt bad for them (I still do this) so it was doubly hard for me to take that I felt Vanessa had died on the side of the road no more noticed than a bird. I listened and entertained the voices that spoke to me saying that I had strived to serve God and look what had happened to my own daughter. The counselor listened to me heave this secret out of me like a violently ill person heaves out his food. He told me that he thought I had Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome over the accident and would not get over it until I could replace those thoughts about the wreck with better ones. I didn’t know how I could do that but I repented to the Lord about my attitude and feeling of entitlement and asked him to help me replace my memories with something better.
A few days later I had a dream. In the dream it was like I was watching Vanessa as she was having her accident. She was driving down that dark road and all of the sudden she looked in her rear view mirror and saw both of her grandfathers, the only problem with this reality was both of them had passed away. She asked them why they were there and they said we have come to take you to heaven. Then they all disappeared from the car. I awakened with unbelievable joy! The Lord had done the impossible for me, he had changed the bad memory into a good one, even when I had been so unkind to Him in my thinking. Now I know that we are not like people who have no hope, we had hope that in Jesus Christ we would find joy and happiness again, and we have. We found that we could always look around us and find people with more needs than we had. We found that as we helped others, it took our minds off our own troubles. When we began to do this, our lives really began to heal. I have never been to the site of the accident and don’t know if I will ever be able to but Charley went frequently and built a stone memorial there on the side of the road.
If you have lost a loved one recently or long ago, just realize that everyone has to go through the process of healing or be prepared to end up bitter and unhappy. There is no way to go through the loss of a loved one and be the same. I will never be the same but I can be happy again. I hope you will be too. Allow yourself to grieve and take as long as you need to but don’t let it turn you away from God or his people, we all need each other.